Monday, March 11, 2013

Mental Health

I often wonder why I am so unhappy with my life.
Nothing seems to work out the way it is supposed to, I hate the system in which I work, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, and most of all: I hate being unhappy.
Part of the problem are my depressive episodes. Or aren't they?
Which came first? Depression or unhappiness? Which caused which? Were both caused by something else entirely?
Will I ever be able to get rid of depression as long as my life remains the same? As long as I remain the same?
I do not work well in hierarchical systems and I know it. Do I simply have to learn to get along with this? Is it possible to learn how to endure working in hierarchical structures? Can I keep my mouth shut and not question my superiors? And be happy with it?
I do not see how.


What's wrong with me and my life?


  1. Ouch Sal, this is a sad post. I am sorry you are in such a bad place. Has your man read this? It sounds like you do know what you want and I hope you are able to make the kind of decisions that will help it to happen. All the best.

    1. Thank you for your kind words.

      No, he hasn't read this, but he knows that I would love to have children.

      I'm not sure if I should tell him to read this because he'd probably get mad.

      I don't know how to decide but writing my feelings down has helped a lot.
      Until now, it was only me and my thoughts. I've told nobody before.

  2. "If we marry and have children, I will just end up paying for you and the kids and spend the rest of my life living in poverty." is a very selfish statement. No mention of your life or the kids' life, or the pain or emotion, just a lament about his money. Is that what really matters to him?

    You know what you want in life. It seems clear that you won't get it if you stay with him. His goals are different. You say he knows it will either be marriage or children... he's already decided for you. But why does he get to dictate YOUR life? A relationship is a partnership, not a hierarchical structure in which he is the boss.

    You are not unworthy. You are not "that bad." There is nothing wrong with you. You are not the problem. The problem is that you are in a relationship with a man who doesn't want what you want. Whether he intentionally tricked you or simply changed his mind, it's clear that the two of you no longer have the same goals.

    Have a serious conversation with him, together with a counselor if it would help. If he refuses to have that conversation, it's a big "EXIT" sign in my opinion. If he's not willing to even talk about your needs, then he's not viewing you as an equal in your relationship.

    You're in an unhappy situation. I don't think depression caused the situation, but it certainly makes it harder to cope.

    I know this is very blunt, and I'm sorry if it comes across as hurtful. But I was in a similar situation - at age 32, as a matter of fact - and I wish like hell that someone had been blunt with me. It was hard to see things clearly from the inside.

    If you had a friend in this situation, what would you advise her to do? Then treat yourself with the same care and respect that you would give your friend. This will help you make the right choice.

    1. Thank you, Bane, for saying all that. I don't think it's blunt, I think it's honest and I appreciate it.

      Yes, it's time for another conversation.
      We're on vacation next week so maybe when we're more relaxed that will be the right time.

      You're also right about "advice for a friend".
      I wonder if I should sit down and maybe write a letter to myself, as a friend?

      Thanks again!

    2. I think writing a letter to yourself as a friend is a great idea. It will help you step back and maybe get a clearer perspective on the situation. And you might give a friend better advice than you give yourself because of those "I'm not worthy" feelings getting in the way.

      Whatever you choose to do, you are doing the right thing by taking action. In my situation, I was too passive. I just let things happen to me, and that's what hurts the most. I got past the anger at my ex for using me, but I'm still furious at myself for letting him do it.

      You'll figure out what's right for you. :)

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  4. Dear Sal. I read your post but had to think about proper answer to your. Talking about career...I'm definite the same kind as you, I don't like to be ruled over. I know what I'm capable of and do my job better if I can work freely. Another bad thing with hieracical structures is that ideas and different opinions are not welcome. That is something that can't develop a company.
    About your relationship, I would suggest that you should think of how you would like your future to look like. Could you talk with your partner about children? My best friend longed for children so much that it made her very depressed, she live with an older man that already had a teenage daughter and thought that taking response for another child seemed scary. But after lots of talking to him they finally agreed to have a child and she became a happy mother at 38. She is very happy now. She were in the same situation as you in the same age.
    I do hope that if you feel that he is the man of your life you will be able to get along in this matter.

    1. Thank you for your comment. To be honest, I don't feel like I can talk to him at all. Discussions are seldom constructive in our relationship. We talk and talk without ever solving a problem.